Friday, October 30, 2009

HaPpY HaLlOwEeN!

So tonight is Megan's amazing dinner party, and for those of you who are able to make it, see you there tonight! In terms of tomorrow night, we are having people over at our new apartment:
2129 N Oakley, chicago il, 60647. It is an informal BYOB starting around 8:30-9. We will then go to a friend from work's party and then bar hop around Wicker. Last year the best part was just standing outside the bars and taking pictures with amazing costumes. Anyways, everyone is invited and to get you all in the Halloween spirit, I wanted to share this Halloween dance with you all:

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Adding to our almost 4 month old blog...

I was going to do it for our 3 month, but forgot, so I am going to be adding a slideshow to our blog. Hoping to one day have pictures of all of us, but for now I am going to go with the Halloween spirit which I am freaking excited for!!!!!

Hope everyone has the costumes for Friday/Saturday

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A Seasonal McSweeney's Post

Very appropriate in light of Megan's upcoming Halloween dinner party:



- - - -

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I'm about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it's gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There's a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I'm going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, "Aren't those gourds straining your neck?" And I'm just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, "It's fall, fuckfaces. You're either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you're not."

Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing a all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Different Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn't it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they're both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that's upsetting, but I'm not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.

The next thing I'm going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I'm going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it's not summer, it's not winter, and it's not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it's fall, fuckers.

Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you're going to fucking love my house. Just look where you're walking or you'll get KO'd by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you're going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.

Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!

My winter pallor has returned

So for the past couple of weeks, I have been working out of the McKinsey office in New York City...we haven't had to be at the client site and the rest of my team is from NYC, so it just makes sense for me to come. To get into the building, you need a security pass. For the past week and a half, I've been getting a guest pass printed for me every day, but since it takes awhile every morning, I decided to get a permanent security badge today.

These security badges are pretty standard, just a thick plastic card with a picture on it. So the guy took my picture today and made me a badge and I was thinking that my picture was pretty decent...certainly not Chicago Sun-Times-level awful.

After returning to my team room, one of my colleagues asked to see my picture. A little background on him: he is probably in his mid-30s, married with a baby daughter, and just about the least offensive person you could ever meet. His very religion is based upon doing as little harm to the world as possible:

He looks at my picture and exclaims, "This is a really good shot of you!" After thanking him, he says, "No, really, you look so much healthier here."

Apparently, I generally look like some sort of sickly mess. Great.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Put your makeup on, fix your hair up pretty...

...I spent Frinday night hunting cougars in Atlantic City.

Seriously, it was as though my pockets were stuffed with catnip. My personal favorite was Wendy Kaplan...immediately from her name, I could tell she was about 40 years old and a Member of the Tribe, which was great. Turns out, she was a divorcee, a New Jersey resident, and in medical device sales, so we clearly had a lot in common. Most importantly, she was amazing at wrangling free drinks at the blackjack table from this one waitress who looked like a husky Anna Kournikova. It was awesome.

Already very excited for Friendsgiving - will this be the seventh year in the Ronks' dining room? Not gonna lie, it's a pretty great tradition.


Saw Jim and Anna this weekend and they insisted that I make sure that everyone is coming to our house the day after Thanksgiving. Anna promises delicious food and Jim promises to be in bed by 10pm. I promise that I will laugh good-naturedly when Lauren finds my kindergarten yearbook from her "hiding" place.


Monday, October 12, 2009

Deep Thoughts (not with Jack Handey)

I had to wake up at 6am today and, as a result, had a lot of coffee. As a result of this, I had to poop this morning and, as I'm sure most of you are aware, it is while on the toilet that I do some of my most profound thinking.

Today, I pondered the following:

Why is it that we, as a society, call pooping "going number 2?" In terms of health importance and physical significance, I really think pooping is number 1. Also, no one ever says that they are "going number 1," so what's the point of skipping to number 2? Perhaps it's because "dropping a deuce" sounds more thunderous and alliterative than "dropping an uno." But, if this is the major concern, then I suggest calling it "unleashing an uno."

I'm just saying.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Mad Men

Hey All,

I have a quick little favor to ask you all: So my Lead Actress from my movie "Imperfection" has entered in a contest to get a guest role on the show MAD MEN. The producers of the show will decide on the winner but the amount of votes each contestant gets helps to get them into the final round.

I am asking for you to go on and vote for her Video Clip so she can become one of the finalists. I am asking you to do this for 2 reasons:
1) I think she is very talented and this show would be very fitting for her and a great addition to her resume (not to mention that the show is Beautiful and extremely well put together).
2) If she were, by chance, to win and get a (even small) role on the show (knock on wood), that would do wonders for my film after I finish post production and begin submitting to film festivals and such.

Anyways, It shouldn't take you to long to cast a vote, and I am sure you guys are always begging for something to do (given how the majority of these blog post occur during working hours).

So please vote for Teri Schnaubelt

Thanks, hope everyone is enjoying their weekend.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


Nick just sent me the following excerpt from the terrific site

After a successful beta run, the Stuff White People Like Facebook application is now live.

Though the book contains the definitive and authoritative quiz to determine whiteness, this Facebook application contains an all new set of questions and the ability to see the whitest users and networks on the popular social networking site.

Currently, the whitest networks on Facebook are:

1. Mayo Clinic College of Medicine
2. Vancouver, BC
3. Gonzaga
4. Wittenberg
5. Oklahoma
6. Stevenson High School
7. Bridgeport / Stamford, CT
8. VCU
9. Swarthmore
10. Oklahoma City, OK
11. Boulder, CO
12. Tucson, AZ
13. London, ON
14. Grandview Heights High School
15. NYU

Scaring Children is fun

I wanted to call you, Megan to tell you this last night, but my phone was dead. Now you all have the pleasure of this fun little story.

So Last night Tyler and I went out for sushi and dessert. While we are waiting in line at the gelato cafe (yes Brad and Erika- the one you guys went to with him) two little black girls come in and start trying to sell us candy for a new school uniform. We politely listen and say no thank you like the evil heartless people we are. Then the chubby one looks at Tyler and says "You look like someone famous." Now Tyler gets this a lot which is really funny (Brad back me up-weren't you there when a waiter came up to us at family breakfast after my dad's birthday and asked him if he was in a TV commercial) Anyways, the girls were probably 7 and 12 ish and so we just smiled and ordered our food.

 So we sit down and the girls are still standing there staring at him. Then as they are leaving the girl comes up to us again and says, "Oh I know who you sorta kinda look like. Do you know Robert Pattinson?" I almost lost it. Tyler says, um don't know if I do. She continues by saying "I think it is your sideburns and stuff. He is the main vampire for Twilight" Tyler then looks the girl dead in the eyes and says, "Well that is cool cause I'm half vampire." The girls looks stunned but sasses him back by saying "Yea well then let me see your fangs!" Still deadpan Tyler responds, "I left them at home" and points to his gap tooth. The girls freaked and ran out the door. I could not stop laughing. I was so proud that he was so easlily able to lie to children. I think that is why we work well together :-) Anyways, had to share...if for no other reason than Sophie and Megan enjoying the reference. 

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Youthful Glow of Scientology

The blond is my friend Jess (Dyl - she went to Yale '07)

Tommy was on campus talking to an Entertainment Law class. Survey says: he cannot give a straightforward answer (ie: "What's your favorite movie?" yielded 918039180932 responses from him.)

He's so not invited to my celebrity dinner party.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Munchkin Face!

A1) Congrats to Marissa and her family! What an amazing blessing - and such a cutie!

B2) Now on to more important guys HAVE to watch this video. If there is only ONE video you watch for the rest of the year, this HAS to be it!!! I saw this on "Ellen" yesterday. Fast forward to 57 seconds. I promise you - you will love it! And I guarantee you will pass it along.

You can thank me later. I accept both sexual favors and cash.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Omg 2 posts in 2 days...

...but my cousin Becky had her baby yesterday and I officially am a godparent! (Fairy godmother?) Pic below. His name is Max and he is AWESOME.