Monday, July 27, 2009


Anna: "I thought they were cherries on a stem."


SHS Students Go On a Vandalism Rampage

...not really, but sort of? Apparently the back of my deck was spray painted green and gold this weekend, and a few of the cars in my neighborhood were broken into. This is disturbing for several reasons:

1. Long Grove is clearly turning in to the ghetto
2. The hoodlums spray-painted a penis, which is sort of funny. Funnier is that my mom didn't tell me. Brad Factor told me the penis part. Oh, Anna.

Anyway - weird!!

Sunday, July 26, 2009


Another typo: it should be "Toodler and me," not "Toodler and I." Okay. I'm done editing. I swear.

Friday, July 24, 2009


OMG total typo: I meant "fraught," not "frought." This is why I don't blog.

Miriam Goes Blogging

A1) Little known fact about me: I have never written on a blog. Ever. Fear not, though, Miriam is coming into the space age/Y2K, yet she still remains cautious about this dubious internet thing that's rife with pornography!

B2) Funny story: Our friend, Karen, brought her big Bernese Mountain Dog, Bruce, over for a playdate with our boys today. Obvs, I was more than a little hesitant. I mean, I get upset when strangers with their strange dogs approach the Toodler and I on the street - they could be rabid! How am I to know?! After the first few requisite minutes of sniffing everyone's privates, the boys played fine together. Marley was TERRIFIED of Bruce (all 120 pounds of him), and was completely submissive. Logan played for a good five minutes, then got tired like the old man that he is and gave up. My little man was a goofball! He loved playing with Bruce - even though I stood there the whole time, hands clasped, frought with worry that the dogs would get too agressive and someone would get hurt. (Side note - I just had to get up from the kitchen stool to break up a "rumble in the jungle" in the laundry room. I stood there with my hands on my hips and asked the boys: "Who wants a time-out? Because that's where you're headed right now." Dylan - my dogs can understand full sentences. NBD.) Anyways, our "pack" became fast friends with Bruce. Yay!

C3) Moral of the story: my poor little children will never know what it is to live their lives outside of a massive cocoon of bubble wrap.

A Helpful Product

Dyl, I stumbled across a fabulous product that should help alleviate all your chafing fears. Thought you would all appreciate this:

Thursday, July 23, 2009

omg, I'm contributing to the blog

This should buy me at least of week of getting to tell Dylan to lay off me. Also, Dylan, I'm sure your shirt is lovely and your co-worker is just jealous that he no longer gets to pick out his own clothes.

In honor of Erika's upcoming wedding, and the fact that she is wearing white and clearly a virgin, I thought we could conduct a poll of Erika's (O)face when she finally consummates her marriage. Options below!






Addendum to previous post

In a meeting yesterday with the business unit head (very senior guy), this same client who noticed my shirt casually dropped an N-Bomb. Yes, you read that right. Unsure whether to make a disapproving face, say something, say nothing, or insincerely corporate chuckle, I chose the least logical option:

I fake coughed, leading to a real cough, which shifted the awkwardness back to me. Nice choice.

Also, Erika's O-Face is clearly #2.

On a Magic CTA Ride

So I wanted to tell a tale of my magical bus ride this morning.
After taking the blue line to Grand I got off and waited 5 min (according to CTA bus tracker) for my route 33 Magnificent Mile Express to pick me up. As I entered, I saw the usual crowd- An overweight blonde in her late 30s who insists on wearing a scrunch and jean shorts on a consistent basis talking across the isle to her friend,  a female replica of Ozzy Osbourne decked in all black, tons of silver rings, and oh yes... those round sunglasses (  Not to mention the woman who looks like a pelican with a beak for a nose and her outfits that are way too young for her age complimented by her hot pink bra strap that is always peaking out the top- not that I pay attention to anyone on the bus. So The bus was a normal ride, until the woman bus driver, who I was convinced for half of the ride that she was a he, yelled to the guy in the back when he pulled the cord "you sure you want to get off here?" to which he responded, "yes, that is why I pulled the cord." I found that to be a bit odd, but disregarded it until.....
We were sitting at the red light on Ohio and Michigan, in complete silence when 
was shouted as the bus shook a little. 
Apparently our bus driver saw someone in a car that she was not to pleased about she started to shift around in her seat, forgetting her place, and then snapped back into reality. I thought she was going to bust through the small window next to her, but instead apologized and continued on her route. It was both terrifying and hilarious at the same time....
wish you guys were there to witness. 

Also, I will leave you with this if you (Dylan, the only person who goes on this but me). I was watching So You Think You Can Dance last night with the girls and saw the 2 best performances I have ever seen. The first one is a KICK ASS dance choreographed by Laurie Ann Gibson the chick from P-Diddy's Making the Band and the second is about a woman who has breast cancer. It is absolutely beautiful and made everyone in the audience and the judges (including Ellen tear up) 

"You're smart to do your laundry on Saturday night when everyone else is out..."

In the tradition of my high school tennis coach (a douche who I will never forgive), I received a "comment" from one of my clients today that could be interpreted as either a compliment or an insult (more likely the latter):

Today I wore a new shirt to work and he noticed. He started by saying something to the effect of: "I didn't get the memo that it was 'Wear a Nice New Shirt to Work Day,'" which seems positive. Then we were talking about how I, as a single guy, care more about what I look like than he does as a married man. He then says: "My wife would never let me out of the house wearing that shit."

Does this mean that she would worry that it would attract too many women, or that she has better taste than a man and my shirt is ugly. I hope the former, fear the latter.

On another note, which of the following is most shameful:

A.) My mom is bringing her own bottle of Grey Goose to the all-inclusive resort in Jamaica so that she doesn't have to drink their "crap liquor."

B.) I am planning a visit to Tamarak Day Camp next week and I just emailed the camp director to see which day was Hot Dog Day so I could plan around it.

C.) With Erika's upcoming wedding, the Kolb family name officially dies.

D.) Only Lauren and I write on this blog.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I'm petrified of nipple chafing...once it starts, it is a vicious circle...

Sup pimps and hos,

Not too much to share, but I figured I'd update the blog so that it doesn't die faster than personal privacy at a Hausman family Thanksgiving.

This morning, I went to get breakfast from my client's cafeteria and, as I was checking out, the cashier told me that I reminded her of her friend from home. I asked her where home was. Her reply: "Colombia." Looks like my summertime transformation into my alter-ego has begun:

Also, I ran my longest distance ever yesterday after work, a cool eight miles (not quite as much as Freaq Nast, but not half bad either). But when it was all over, although I didn't experience nipple chafing, they were kinda sore. I guess the combination of cold sweat, long distance, and the memories evoked by the "Prom '04" shirt I was wearing brought pain to my chest.

So Andy Bernard, Cornell grad, I feel your pain.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Ughhhh I can't look, the government blocks everythingggggg. I'll look when I get home.

Things I'm doing until Erika's wedding:

1. SEEING HARRY POTTER TONIGHT AHHHHHHHH - has anyone seen it yet?
2. All five of my college roomies are coming to DC next weekend...aka NU madness
3. Trying not to puke in any kitchens.

"Genetically Mutated Rat Monster"

After being inspired by Dylan's latest post, I decided to put my favorite prank EVER out for you guys to watch. It is on youtube, so if you can't watch it at work, look at it later! Brad you will recognize this (that is even if you are reading these).

16 days till Erika's wedding.... what are you peeps doing before the wedding?

Meow mix,

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

In vino veritas

As I toil away at work, doing what I can to stop pregnancy before it starts, I thought I'd post one of the funniest articles I have ever read. I'm sure I've shared this with many of you, but in light of my recent cougar-esque obsession with drinking white wine and pretending it's high-class, I present you this:

Also, I went out with my team last night to dinner at Morimoto in NYC (pretty dece, but nothing to write home about). We almost went to a restaurant called "La Esquina" where, according to reliable sources, Jay-Z, Beyonce, and the guy who plays Chuck Bass on Gossip Girl were all spotted dining last night. Instead of seeing these immensely popular celebrities, I got to see Constantine Maroulis, the 5th place finisher on Season 4 of American Idol and a supreme douche-tard. FML.

In case you don't believe that Constantine is a douche-tard, please view his Wikipedia picture:

Love hurts, part 2

I know I just posted, but I forgot to mention that Adam Waite (my former tennis partner) is engaged. He joins Meghan Tellone and our dear friend Erika Kolb in placing their toes on the edge of the cliff above the icy cold depths of lifelong monogamy. Enjoy!

Sweet New Dance Club

So last night I went out with the girls to this new bar. It is called the Snake Charmer and I really liked it. They had great music and there were lots of people there. The best part of the whole night was this live performance that we had front row for! I was able to tape it and posted it. 
Wanted to share.....


Love hurts

First of all, mad props to Lauren for getting this blog started. I look forward to my contributions following the trajectory of all other blogs: really frequent in the beginning, getting more sporadic after a couple of weeks, and finally petering off after a few months when I realize that no one really cares about what I have to say. But I digress...

Yesterday at work, I was (in a not-too-shocking development) cruising the interwebs rather than legitimately earning my salary. Maybe I was just thinking about how much I love "Law and Order: SVU," or maybe I was thinking about how horny and hypocritical Republicans are (see: Foley, Mark), but I decided to pass the time by looking up "sex scandals" on Wikipedia.

Through my extensive reading, I came away with two things:

1.) I understand why some people stay virgins until marriage. This peen-in-vagine stuff makes people do some crazy things.

2.) This one is so freaky, I read it twice. I insist you do the same:

Looking forward to Megan taking a break from "kissing" Rudy, Marissa taking a break from "touching" lesbians, Brad taking a break from "making" movies, Sophie taking a break from "reading" Twilight, Jackie taking a break from "riding" horses, and Erika taking a break from literally vomiting all over bar kitchens to contribute to the blog.

On an unrelated note, I suggested that Lauren formally change the name of Mr. Bigglesworth to Kitty Bitchtitz Stankbreath Scheuer. Thoughts?

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Welcome to our Blog

Hello Friends,
So as I am sure you can tell, I am really bored at work today. My friend Claire told me that her and her friends from HS made a blog where they randomly add funny stories and updates. So I decided, in my state of boredom that I will create one for us. It is an easy address so no one will forget! We don’t have to update it everyday, but when you think of it put something on that will keep us entertained during the busy work day.

Freaq Nast

Ps-18 Days till Erika’s WEDDING!!!!!