Friday, December 11, 2009

Orrin Hatch and Grandma Have Something in Common...

...their idol.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Study/Work Break Laugh

In studying for my last exam this afternoon, a classmate of mine (Melanie, whom some of you know) sent me this:

Canceling a credit card

Today, I received one of those periodic emails from my credit card company advertising certain benefits for which you are eligible if you use the card. Today's promised "special access" to the following three auditory assaulters:

Nick Jonas
Rascal Flatts

I would be hard-pressed to come up with three musical acts I am less interested in seeing. Furthermore, how are they only allowing me to meet one of the Jonas Brothers...would I get in trouble if I attempted to say hello to the other two?

I am honestly considering canceling this credit card out of spite.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Seriously, what the fuck

You all know how much I love Yale, but this is fucking absurd. Below is a press release from the Yale Police Department that was sent out this morning. It is not a joke.

A Message to the Yale Community:

I write to inform you that five rhesus monkeys escaped from the
neurochemical research laboratory of the Child Study Center (230 South
Frontage Road) at 5:07am on Thursday, December 3, 2009. All members of the
Yale community are urged to exercise caution in their movements about campus
until the animals are recaptured. If you or anyone you know comes into
contact with one of the monkeys, seek medical attention immediately. The
animals are infected with the Motaba virus, a hemorrhagic fever native to
central Africa; Yale-New Haven Hospital staff is ready to administer the
E-1101 serum, but it must be administered within several hours of infection.
Subjects escaped on S. Frontage towards Central Campus and were last seen
near George and Church. If you have any information regarding this case or
should witness suspicious activity, please report it immediately to the Yale
Police at 203-432-1374.

James A. Perrotti
Chief of Police

Maui wowwy.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Friday, November 13, 2009

Why Dogs are Seriously Better than Cats.

Monday, November 9, 2009



One of the guys at work just showed this to me and I had to share:
I bet we have tons of pictures to contribute to this....

Hey Mr. D.J.

I went to my roommates sister's wedding this weekend which was a lot of fun (although not as fun as this wedding I went to on August 1st...maybe some of you were there). Anyways, the wedding as very nice, but it had one major flaw: The DJ sucked!

I had made a list, to myself, with a list of songs I wanted to hear throughout the night. Some are wedding staples like "Shout", others were not like Hanson's "MmmBop" which was the song I really wanted to hear throughout the night. So early into the reception I walked over to the DJ and requested some "MmmBop". The DJ nicely wrote it down on his list (second in line on requests) and I went on my marry way. TWO hours later - NO "MmmBop". After the dull 4 Country songs IN A ROW (WTF?!?!), I sent a girl who I had befriended throughout the night (because she too was excited to hear that 1997 hit by Hanson) to also make the same request.

"Oh....ummm I guess I can play that song" said the lame DJ as he texted into his T-mobile Sidekick.

And after another Hour, still no "MmmBop" . So finally, with the wedding winding down, we sent Bryan's Aunt to make the request (hoping that the DJ might feel the urgency coming from the Aunt of the Bride).

"how do you spell that???" said the prick of a DJ
"You are asking me how to spell 'MmmBop'?" said Bryan's sweet Aunt. The DJ nods. "Mmm-Bop" Bryan's Aunt said.

Moral of the story is that DICK did not play "MmmBop". And my point is that, as all of us begin meeting that special someone and plan weddings of our own....THE DJ IS KEY! The "MmmBop" incident was not the only issue I had with the DJ either. The DJ had no intention of playing "Shout" until I told Bryan to request it, to which the DJ replied, "Oh....I didn't think about that one....I guess that can go on the list". "Shout" was played 30 minutes later (TOOL - sorry, I just really hated this DJ). The same thing happened with the "Cha-Cha Slide".

Other Songs the DJ missed the mark on:
No "Single Ladies" (unless you count the introduction of the song when the garter was thrown - but no dancing to it)
No Spice Girls
No Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight"
No Sting/The Police
No Usher's "Yeah"
No Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, Celine Dion
No "Love Shack"
No Barry White
No "White Wedding"

Anyways, I expect when I attend all of your weddings a stellar playlist and a fun DJ.


Friday, October 30, 2009

HaPpY HaLlOwEeN!

So tonight is Megan's amazing dinner party, and for those of you who are able to make it, see you there tonight! In terms of tomorrow night, we are having people over at our new apartment:
2129 N Oakley, chicago il, 60647. It is an informal BYOB starting around 8:30-9. We will then go to a friend from work's party and then bar hop around Wicker. Last year the best part was just standing outside the bars and taking pictures with amazing costumes. Anyways, everyone is invited and to get you all in the Halloween spirit, I wanted to share this Halloween dance with you all:

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Adding to our almost 4 month old blog...

I was going to do it for our 3 month, but forgot, so I am going to be adding a slideshow to our blog. Hoping to one day have pictures of all of us, but for now I am going to go with the Halloween spirit which I am freaking excited for!!!!!

Hope everyone has the costumes for Friday/Saturday

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A Seasonal McSweeney's Post

Very appropriate in light of Megan's upcoming Halloween dinner party:



- - - -

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I'm about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it's gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There's a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I'm going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, "Aren't those gourds straining your neck?" And I'm just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, "It's fall, fuckfaces. You're either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you're not."

Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing a all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Different Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn't it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they're both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that's upsetting, but I'm not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.

The next thing I'm going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I'm going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it's not summer, it's not winter, and it's not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it's fall, fuckers.

Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you're going to fucking love my house. Just look where you're walking or you'll get KO'd by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you're going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.

Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!

My winter pallor has returned

So for the past couple of weeks, I have been working out of the McKinsey office in New York City...we haven't had to be at the client site and the rest of my team is from NYC, so it just makes sense for me to come. To get into the building, you need a security pass. For the past week and a half, I've been getting a guest pass printed for me every day, but since it takes awhile every morning, I decided to get a permanent security badge today.

These security badges are pretty standard, just a thick plastic card with a picture on it. So the guy took my picture today and made me a badge and I was thinking that my picture was pretty decent...certainly not Chicago Sun-Times-level awful.

After returning to my team room, one of my colleagues asked to see my picture. A little background on him: he is probably in his mid-30s, married with a baby daughter, and just about the least offensive person you could ever meet. His very religion is based upon doing as little harm to the world as possible:

He looks at my picture and exclaims, "This is a really good shot of you!" After thanking him, he says, "No, really, you look so much healthier here."

Apparently, I generally look like some sort of sickly mess. Great.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Put your makeup on, fix your hair up pretty...

...I spent Frinday night hunting cougars in Atlantic City.

Seriously, it was as though my pockets were stuffed with catnip. My personal favorite was Wendy Kaplan...immediately from her name, I could tell she was about 40 years old and a Member of the Tribe, which was great. Turns out, she was a divorcee, a New Jersey resident, and in medical device sales, so we clearly had a lot in common. Most importantly, she was amazing at wrangling free drinks at the blackjack table from this one waitress who looked like a husky Anna Kournikova. It was awesome.

Already very excited for Friendsgiving - will this be the seventh year in the Ronks' dining room? Not gonna lie, it's a pretty great tradition.


Saw Jim and Anna this weekend and they insisted that I make sure that everyone is coming to our house the day after Thanksgiving. Anna promises delicious food and Jim promises to be in bed by 10pm. I promise that I will laugh good-naturedly when Lauren finds my kindergarten yearbook from her "hiding" place.


Monday, October 12, 2009

Deep Thoughts (not with Jack Handey)

I had to wake up at 6am today and, as a result, had a lot of coffee. As a result of this, I had to poop this morning and, as I'm sure most of you are aware, it is while on the toilet that I do some of my most profound thinking.

Today, I pondered the following:

Why is it that we, as a society, call pooping "going number 2?" In terms of health importance and physical significance, I really think pooping is number 1. Also, no one ever says that they are "going number 1," so what's the point of skipping to number 2? Perhaps it's because "dropping a deuce" sounds more thunderous and alliterative than "dropping an uno." But, if this is the major concern, then I suggest calling it "unleashing an uno."

I'm just saying.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Mad Men

Hey All,

I have a quick little favor to ask you all: So my Lead Actress from my movie "Imperfection" has entered in a contest to get a guest role on the show MAD MEN. The producers of the show will decide on the winner but the amount of votes each contestant gets helps to get them into the final round.

I am asking for you to go on and vote for her Video Clip so she can become one of the finalists. I am asking you to do this for 2 reasons:
1) I think she is very talented and this show would be very fitting for her and a great addition to her resume (not to mention that the show is Beautiful and extremely well put together).
2) If she were, by chance, to win and get a (even small) role on the show (knock on wood), that would do wonders for my film after I finish post production and begin submitting to film festivals and such.

Anyways, It shouldn't take you to long to cast a vote, and I am sure you guys are always begging for something to do (given how the majority of these blog post occur during working hours).

So please vote for Teri Schnaubelt

Thanks, hope everyone is enjoying their weekend.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


Nick just sent me the following excerpt from the terrific site

After a successful beta run, the Stuff White People Like Facebook application is now live.

Though the book contains the definitive and authoritative quiz to determine whiteness, this Facebook application contains an all new set of questions and the ability to see the whitest users and networks on the popular social networking site.

Currently, the whitest networks on Facebook are:

1. Mayo Clinic College of Medicine
2. Vancouver, BC
3. Gonzaga
4. Wittenberg
5. Oklahoma
6. Stevenson High School
7. Bridgeport / Stamford, CT
8. VCU
9. Swarthmore
10. Oklahoma City, OK
11. Boulder, CO
12. Tucson, AZ
13. London, ON
14. Grandview Heights High School
15. NYU

Scaring Children is fun

I wanted to call you, Megan to tell you this last night, but my phone was dead. Now you all have the pleasure of this fun little story.

So Last night Tyler and I went out for sushi and dessert. While we are waiting in line at the gelato cafe (yes Brad and Erika- the one you guys went to with him) two little black girls come in and start trying to sell us candy for a new school uniform. We politely listen and say no thank you like the evil heartless people we are. Then the chubby one looks at Tyler and says "You look like someone famous." Now Tyler gets this a lot which is really funny (Brad back me up-weren't you there when a waiter came up to us at family breakfast after my dad's birthday and asked him if he was in a TV commercial) Anyways, the girls were probably 7 and 12 ish and so we just smiled and ordered our food.

 So we sit down and the girls are still standing there staring at him. Then as they are leaving the girl comes up to us again and says, "Oh I know who you sorta kinda look like. Do you know Robert Pattinson?" I almost lost it. Tyler says, um don't know if I do. She continues by saying "I think it is your sideburns and stuff. He is the main vampire for Twilight" Tyler then looks the girl dead in the eyes and says, "Well that is cool cause I'm half vampire." The girls looks stunned but sasses him back by saying "Yea well then let me see your fangs!" Still deadpan Tyler responds, "I left them at home" and points to his gap tooth. The girls freaked and ran out the door. I could not stop laughing. I was so proud that he was so easlily able to lie to children. I think that is why we work well together :-) Anyways, had to share...if for no other reason than Sophie and Megan enjoying the reference. 

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Youthful Glow of Scientology

The blond is my friend Jess (Dyl - she went to Yale '07)

Tommy was on campus talking to an Entertainment Law class. Survey says: he cannot give a straightforward answer (ie: "What's your favorite movie?" yielded 918039180932 responses from him.)

He's so not invited to my celebrity dinner party.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Munchkin Face!

A1) Congrats to Marissa and her family! What an amazing blessing - and such a cutie!

B2) Now on to more important guys HAVE to watch this video. If there is only ONE video you watch for the rest of the year, this HAS to be it!!! I saw this on "Ellen" yesterday. Fast forward to 57 seconds. I promise you - you will love it! And I guarantee you will pass it along.

You can thank me later. I accept both sexual favors and cash.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Omg 2 posts in 2 days...

...but my cousin Becky had her baby yesterday and I officially am a godparent! (Fairy godmother?) Pic below. His name is Max and he is AWESOME.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Who I'd Rather Invite to Halloween Dinner

Okay folks, while Marissa's certainly onto a great idea, she clearly failed...miserably. FM(arissa's)L. Here's a far superior guest list:

1) Arnold Schwarzenegger - this requires zero explanation. I will say, though, his puns would add immense delight and levity to the conversation. He's essentially a pure comic genius...essentially.
2) Rosie O'Donnell - even though she's a crazy liberal biatch, I love her dearly. I KNOW that we would be bff's. f.o.r.e.v.e.r. Koosh ball, anyone?
3) Bonnie Hunt - I watch her talk show religiously. She's funny without being mean to anyone! Plus, she loves her dog Charlie. Obvs, we would bond over our obsession with our babies! I mean doggies....
4) Fran Drescher - I adore her on "The Nanny!" She's hilarious and totally had the snazziest outfits for the late 80's/early 90's. Plus, she got to M.O. (psst...make out) with Mr. Sheffield.
5) Shia LaBeouf - I totes magotes have a crush on him. He's my favorite part of "Eagle Eye." He career got off to a great start - his sense of humor really spoke to me as Louis Stevens. I think we'd have an instant connection.
6) Robert Pattinson - I would totally be a fangbanger. I vant 'im to sock my blaahhd. Plus I want to do him.
7) Julie Andrews - She's practically perfect in every way!
8) Beethoven - Gosh, I hope that adorable little menace is still alive! After dessert, I would kidnap him, and Rudy and Beethoven and I would live happily ever after!
9) Peter Billingsley - BEST.MOVIE.EVER! I'm so glad he didn't shoot his eye out!
10) Tori Spelling - It was a toss-up between her and Larry David, but Tori won because I think we would really be bff's (just like Ro and I!) - she loves her puppies, her hubby is a D.I.L.F.

(Sigh) It's okay...I'll just have to settle for you folks instead. But how much better would this Halloween dinner party be?!!

Tales from the other side...

...of the Atlantic, that is.

1) London has a lot of palaces. And is really ridiculously expensive. And the only place that I can go on a search for Henry VIII's old haunts and buy silly Tudors memorabilia and not feel like a total fool. I also got a bit carried away in Oxford and thought I was on a JCrew photo shoot apparently.

Local food highlights: fish and chips, and indian food. The english really aren't known for their food...

2) Paris has a lot of gold. Everything seemed to be gilded in gold leaf. Versailles is gorgeous. Somehow my parents got into a beer chugging contest at the Eiffel Tower bar. Papa Shay won, but Mama Shay was a feisty one!

Local food highlights: escargot, duck pate, and steak tartare... yes, that is entirely cold, rare ground up sirloin. Erika, I think I finally beat you for eating rarer meat.

3) Italy has a lot of churches. Can't say that they didn't all start blending together. Bernini is a sculptural genius. My time at the Vatican was incredible. And I couldn't wait to re-watch Angels and Demons. Chianti wine is yummy.

Local food highlights: Enough pasta and pizza for a lifetime. Food in Tuscany and Bologna is ridiculous. I gained like 10 pounds via carb loading. And Marissa, I'm jealous that your mother is Italian and makes this delicious food.

4) Two quotes from Italian men I met while traveling which stand out amongst the various whistles and typically greasy come-ons...
Man at the Florentine street market: "Miss, beautiful lady, you dropped something back there"
Me: "What? Where?"
Man: "My heart"

Man in St. Mark's Square, Venice (running after me from a bar across the way): "Buona Notte, miss. My name is Giusseppe. Can I give you a kiss?"

Best Dinner Ever

Apatoff and I were recently chatting about the ideal dinner party...aka what ten living celebs would you invite to your dinner party. Mine are below. I want to know yours!

1. Tina Fey (to be my BFF)
2. Michelle Obama (we will bond over politics and cardigans)
3. Jason Bateman (to marry me)
4. Brett Favre (to punch in the face)
5. Eric Ripert (to cook)
6. Oprah (to bring all of her favorite things)
7. Dave Eggers (to be my literary dork-friend)
8. Natalie Portman (just to look at. In the alternative, Reese Witherspoon, or Emma Watson)
9. Beyonce (because she made the best video, of all time)
10. Stephen Colbert (NU alum, woot.)

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Rise of a Hero

So all too often- my reality TV obsession grabs a hold of my little legs and pulls me into the spare room at work to watch episodes during my lunch break. Today I was double teaming the Project runway from last week with last weeks America’s Next Top Model ( There are two monitors so I was able to click b/w the two). The point in I want to take you back to slash the one that turned my world upside down was about 5 min into the ANTM episode called “Fortress of Fearce.” Tyra breaks out of her trench coat into a superhero costume with the word “Smiez” on the back. The visual effects that go along with this “transformation are unreal!”---Click on this link and check out the 3rd video...
Oh yes ladies and gentlemen- Tyra has brought the smile with your eyes to a whole new level. She was “Super Smize”  who took time to teach the world how to “Smize.”  If that wasn’t enough to wet your Tyra whistle- she starts giving each girl an individual analysis of their smize and how to perfect it. She actually gives out the secret to her famous smize with a simple 5 step process she shares with the viewing audience...stay tuned to the end of this blog to see the secret steps.  

Now In my post Chipotle state, I was pleasantly pleased with this spectacle, but was not prepared for what came next. Tyra Mentions to the girls that she will be seeing them next in her “Fortress of Fearce”. I thought this is what they were calling the judging room at the end of the episode...ohhh no. All of a sudden (after a few shitty graphic close ups of tyra’s eyes) the mighty one is standing in the front of a room with 2 platforms in the center. The potential models walk in wearing pink and purple body suits with black flaps that cover their mouth. Two at a time, the models stand on the platform and had a SMIZE-Off... Words can’t describe the ridiculousness of this episode.
I applaud you Tyra for going above and beyond the ridiculous love of yourself and for putting those skinny model bitches in self deprecating situations to make us “bigger girls” sitting on our asses during our lunch break take an extra bite of our – say... birthday cake remix... And smile.

If I had any idea I would be taken into this surreal TV reality world, I would have gone to the beach for lunch.

A Tribute to Tyra’s Smize:

For those of you willing to enter this world of Smiles, Eyes, Nakedness and Tyra (yes all at once), feel free to watch the episode in entirety online.

Now the Moment you have all been waiting for:
stand with your feet shoulder-width apart
2. shoulders down
3. neck long, like there's a string coming out the top of your head
4. hand on your stomach
5. imagine something delicious

(I expect to see these at Friends Thanksgiving)

Das Un She Vulf In Zer Klauset,

Put down the hot glue gun and no one gets hurt

Alright turd burglars,

The last blog posts have focused on things that are often overheard as discussion topics in the Crafts Department of Bed, Bath, and Beyond: unemployment, pet obsession, technological incompetence and, worst of all, Bonnie Hunt. This must stop...and I have taken it upon myself to lead us out of this Christmas Sweater Wilderness*.

I might suggest that some of you start getting into these amazing TLC Medical Mysteries shows. My personal favorites are the one about the 16-year-old baby and the one about Abigail and Brittany, awesome conjoined twins. Once you see them, they also make hilarious scenarios to act out in drunken pictures. Please check the links below.


Finally, in honor of Rosh Hashanah, I decided to make (Jewish) New Year's Resolutions.

1.) To re-commit to running the Austin half-marathon in January (congrats to Freaq Nast, P.S.)
2.) To re-commit myself to ending my involuntary descent into the priesthood (e.g., when a girl you are kinda crushin' on tells you when you're out at a bar that she has some snacks back at her place, don't ask "what snacks," just go)
3.) To be nicer to Megan about her love for Bonnie Hunt

I guess two outta three ain't bad.

* The term "Christmas Sweater Wilderness," meaning a melancholy, uneventful, distinctly goyishe existence, is a registered copyright of Dylan Stern.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

bradley marie, the 13 year old retard, trying to understand this blogging business

Yes I do read these blog postings. It wasn't till now that I understood how to post, and even now I am not quite sure if this is going to work.

Anyways, I agree with Megan, Cats can not be trusted. Thats why I have stopped feeding Kitty Bitchtitz Stankbreath Scheuer while I have been home taking care of Kona and Monte (insert evil laugh here)...Ahahahahahahaha

On another note, Monte locked himself in the bathroom again this week. Not sure how this happened (again). I think Kona probably distracted Monte in the bathroom with something shiny and then locked the door behind him so Kona could have some alone time.

We're Pretty Much a Big Deal

Marissa: It's clear you've crossed to the dark side... a.k.a. a world filled with cat-loving maniacs. I never thought you'd be a cat lady, but I can see it now. While you may find your kittens cute now, wait until they get bored and start scheming behind your back, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce on your face and claw your eyes out, most likely while you're sleeping. Kitty Bitchtitz Stankbreath Scheuer is definitely not above this. No one else has that particular recurring nightmare about felines? Oh, okay, never mind.
In other, equally important, news, I found this awesome clip on youtube - This kid is going to be on Bonnie Hunt tomorrow! And, yes, I happen to love Bonnie Hunt, thank you very much. I know, I can hear Dylan's demoralizing taunts across the country. Sticks and stones - NBD. Anyways, after watching this, I obviously checked our vid stats on youtube. Not only do we have over 130,000 views (which pretty much makes us rock stars), we also have some pretty jazzy comments. I will copy two for your viewing pleasure:

you shouldnt make a dance vid..
you look much better on a sex

What da fuck, I can't curse on this lame ass video.. When did this shit happened.. God-damn fucking mother-fuckers!! Jesus loves you

So, to recap, here are the important takeaways:
1) We should've made a sex tape instead. It's never too late for Boiler Love Makin: Purduin' It All Night Long.
2) We should fuck the haters. Jesus loves us anyway.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Ok, so I know I've done my fair share of hating on Mr. Bigglesworth (sorry Law-ren) and I do still prefer pups, but my roommate Laura just got 2 kittens and I am in love with one of them (Teddy, the runt.) Chloe has yet to grow on me...maybe that will happen but somehow I doubt it. This is why I should never have children aka I have immediately picked a favorite. Anyway this is Teddy. I walked in on him trying to break into my coffee mug...little does he know it's the spillproof kind, muahahaha...

Friday, September 18, 2009

Why I'm Not Allowed to Interview: Part Deux

So, I'm in this gorgeous office this morning. Interviewing with a partner. At a firm where I would really want to work.

And the view from this office is stunning, and it's this incredibly sunny day. Maybe a little...too...sunny. Because I'm blinking. Like, a lot. An uncomfortable amount..when all of a sudden I feel my contact....sliding down my face as I'm talking about my job at the DOJ...

No big deal, right? Very minor. I'm thinking to myself, KEEP IT TOGETHER MARISSA....

...and the interviewer, this lovely partner, interrupts me to ask me IF I'M CRYING DURING THE INTERVIEW. She thought the contact was a tear. So then I had to admit that no, that's just my contact, and then she made me go to the bathroom, and wash out my eye, and then the interview was over.

In sum: Fmyunemployedlife.

Thursday, September 3, 2009



Had to share!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

In addition to,, and other fun sites, here is another fun one: can only imagine 

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Reasons I Will Be Forever Unemployed

So this week at HLS is our "On Campus Interview Program" which means that a bizillion firms come to campus and interview us for jobs next summer, aka your job for real life. Intense.

Interviews started Monday and of course I'm freaking out, pure nerves, praying my first interview is a great confidence booster so that I can calm the F down for the remaining 21. Instead, I had the interview from hell, with certain choice excerpts outlined below.

INTERVIEWER: So, can you tell me a little bit about why July 2008 is unaccounted for on your resume?

Me: Oh, um, hi, nice to meet you. July 2008 was the month before law school started - I was just kind of traveling and preparing for law school, since my job ended in June.

Interviewer: Interesting. So you didn't really do much. So I see you've lived in both Madrid and Prague - which would you rather return to?

Me: Well, I really loved Madrid, the culture, yada yada, plus I speak Spanish so for practical reasons that would make more sense.

Interviewer: Oh. So you couldn't live in a country where you didn't speak the language? (writing in his notebook "DOESN'T ADAPT WELL")

Me: Oh, no! I didn't say that...I meant...

Interviewer: (cuts me off) So if you could reform one aspect of immigration, what would it be?

Me: Um...(start giving my answer)

Interviewer: That makes no sense.

It was, to say the least, an uphill battle and I will NOT be getting a callback. Hope all your lives are going better than my first interview, haha.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Hold me closer, random stranger...

1.) I have a sneaking suspicion that the JC Penney hoodlums were the same folks who slapped a big old dong on the Ronks' deck. As Meegs pointed out, the department store bandits have been described as "sophisticated" and "incredible," two words equally applicable to tattooing the Ronks' home with a phallus.

2.) I was at my client getting coffee yesterday morning from the Starbucks counter. As I walked up, this woman who I often see there (probably 50ish; looks a little like a poor man's Andee Hausman) was hugging Lucy, the nice Colombian woman who works there. When I walked up, I asked why they were hugging, and the older woman told me that she had fallen down the stairs earlier that morning and just needed a pick-me-up. I said that everyone could use a hug now and again. This woman then paused, looked at me, and asked if I wanted a hug.

I said sure.

So there I was, hugging this woman whose name I don't even know, at 8:30am in the client cafeteria. I am 60% sure we had a moment.

I hope that doesn't constitute an inappropriate client relationship.

Foreigners or 2 Shady Hotel Guests... you decide.

Good morning and happy Friday,
As many of you know, I have very vivid dreams and 99.9% of the time, I wake up remembering every single detail. Last night's dream, though was quite humorous. So we all arrived at the Fountaineblue Miami resort (the one that Ty Ty baby and I stayed at). Anyways, we are walking through the crowded lobby when Dylan announces to us all to "go wait over there. I got this" in a cocky tone. So I follow him over to the front desk. He begins talking to the woman in a Swedish accent insisting that since "there is a time difference between Miami and Sweden", all he wants to do is sleep and therefore must have the ocean front room. The only way to have blinds was to have an ocean front room apparently. So the woman went on explaining that those rooms are not open to the public and that we won't be able to use them. Dylan told the woman that since Sweden is to the East, there is a 6 hr. time difference. The woman corrected him in a saucy tone saying it was actually to the West and "No you cannot have a room." I remember thinking to myself, Lauren you just thought Sweden is to the East, when you wake up if Sweden is actually to the East ... you are one smart girl and that woman is a DUMB ASS! Not to mention, I was only off by an hr. in terms of time difference.... not bad girlfriend! I decided to join in on the fun and began talking in a Swedish accent to the older woman behind the desk telling her "I had ze ocean font 'oom before, vhy not now?" In my mind I couldn't believe I fooling this woman by talking with another accent besides Russian (the only one I can actually do). In actuality, I bet it was good old Russian. So besides the fact that that  
the dream ended with me shaving my arm pits in the hotel bathroom b/c they were incredibly hairy .... I think it was an entertaining dream :-)

As a side note, tonight is Grandma's surprise 70th Birthday party. I am expecting tears of joy from Grandma, judgmental eyes from Barb, and excitement vomit from little Tyler.

Where my hoes at,

Hoodlums on the Loose!

Hello all,

Lauren and Dylan's recent posts urged me to attempt this blogging thing yet again...but also, this story is just too damn good. Apparently, thieves have pulled off a big heist, a great success, snatching up a cool million from...J.C. Penney. That's right, folks, go ahead and reread it. The same group of thugs is thought to have completed this feat five times: twice in Louisiana, twice in Texas, and once in Indiana. I say "feat" because it truly is an accomplishment to steal one million dollars' worth of crap from J.C. Penney. Who knew their inventory was even worth that much? A sheriff in Louisiana had the following to say about this incident: "From my viewpoint, it was incredibly sophisticated....Detectives have a surveillance tape of the two men inside, but their faces are covered. They've done an incredible job of concealment." Also important to note: these hoodlums dropped through the roof by a string of rope and spent an hour in the store. Despite this little tidbit, the words "sophisticated" and "incredible" don't exactly come to mind when thinking J.C. Penney. Now, Sears...well, that's a different story.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Walt Disney loves Grandmas

So Today one of the guys at work claimed to be an "internet sensation" to which I vomed in my mouth and said you ain't no "M'N F-in SNYYYPERS",
So I issued a challenge- nay a dance-off to see who was a bigger "internet sensation". Apparently for the past month, this guy at work, Jeff (some of you met him at Tyler's birthday. He was the awkward tall blonde guy lurking in the corner- no Sophie not Frank) has been coloring some of his Grandpa's old film. While sifting through the goods, and with fity-G's on the line, he found some footage of His Grandparents at Disney Land in 1956 (second year it was open) and on a "trip to the burger king". The interesting part is there is footage of his Grandma and Walt Disney-  I know what you are thinking..."We ain't no hoes why is she"... but when you see her spiffy outfit you will know why Disney was drawn to her.  
He posted his video on some website (vimeo) and had a few hits. Then he got a message saying "Jeff, the reference is on the front page at the moment, getting lots of attention." ...  He now has 2,000 views. For those of you who have actually continued to read this silly blog post, The picture is above and the link to the video is below:

Either way, we still have 130,265 so in the words of the old country: "Bring it on punk asses you gunna get served"

Dylan: These are better
These two come with his and hers: 


I'm gunna cut you,

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

2gether is so good, they make The Beatles look like O-Town

So, blog, we meet again.

Now that contributions to the blog are less frequent than days in which Lauren neither vomits nor cries, I thought it time to give the Parking Lot Street Mix a little love.

Inspired by a certain Brown family dinner tradition, I have decided to list three things that happened to me today (although not necessarily ones for which I am grateful). In fact, these three things would best be classified as "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly":

Good: I was gchatting today with a friend of mine when I felt the need to quote the following verse from the classic song, "U + Me = Us (Calculus)":

I'm losing my hair,
And my vision is shady,
Last night I dreamt,
Of an overweight lady

But I need a young thang,
To keep up with my pace,
To hold me in her arms,
And take me straight to second base...

Seizing on the last line, my friend informed me that I love second base, referencing a recent MO sesh I had excitedly detailed during which, I believe, I also grazed boob. This inspired the following t-shirt idea, which I think is pretty slammin:

Bad: Today I ordered a pretty boring turkey sandwich from Lydia* in the cafeteria, a real sweetheart who also manages to make Kitty Bitchtitz Stankbreath Scheuer look like a Crest commercial. I wasn't really paying attention and, when I received my sandwich, it was slathered in mayo (not ordered), falling apart (top half of the bread was literally off the sandwich), and drenched in pickle juice (which I assume she had accidentally dripped).

I wasn't please and I thought about saying something to the effect of "NOBODY FUCKS UP SOPHIE SHAY'S SANDWICH!" But since there was a long line behind me and I am not Sophie Shay, I said nothing.

Ugly: I went to the bathroom at work today and, in a fascinating development, I pooped in almost exact synchronicity with the man in the stall next to me. It was both amazing and disgusting, like the basement magic show of a talented yet pimply 14-year-old.

Hallelujah, holla back.

* Names changed to protect the innocent.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Music Videos-Literal Versions

So I found these funny music videos. They are the real footage, but with the words changed to a literal version. Seriously as I watched these, it made me doubt that someone actually filmed this shiz. Some parts are really funny while others aren't. There are tuns out there... here are a few. 
Take on Me-
I would do anything for love:
Total Eclips of the heart (gets better at the end)-
You're beautiful-
White Wedding-

Happy Tuesday

Rod Blagojevich does Elvis

So this Friday I went to an industry party at our competitions headquarters. Every year they have a special guest, this is who came this year...It was video taped by someone at the restaurant  across the street. Tyler, the roomies and myself were in the middle of the crowd.

Here is an article about it too... you can see the top of tyler's head/eyes in the center bottom of the pic holding an ipod. 

Fun times...


Monday, August 3, 2009

The Blanket with Sleeves Strikes Again

Ok so I know that this is my first, and long overdue post to the blog. But in fact, I saw this on a news segment this evening as I was minding my own business, watching tv and eating ice cream...and all I could think was FBL (F*** Bandit's Life).

And yes, it is exactly what it sounds like. Order now and get a recordable dog tag! Seriously, FBL.

Remember that time the Kolb name just died?

I am now officially praying for unexpected Jan Kolb pregnancy #2.

Monday, July 27, 2009


Anna: "I thought they were cherries on a stem."


SHS Students Go On a Vandalism Rampage

...not really, but sort of? Apparently the back of my deck was spray painted green and gold this weekend, and a few of the cars in my neighborhood were broken into. This is disturbing for several reasons:

1. Long Grove is clearly turning in to the ghetto
2. The hoodlums spray-painted a penis, which is sort of funny. Funnier is that my mom didn't tell me. Brad Factor told me the penis part. Oh, Anna.

Anyway - weird!!

Sunday, July 26, 2009


Another typo: it should be "Toodler and me," not "Toodler and I." Okay. I'm done editing. I swear.

Friday, July 24, 2009


OMG total typo: I meant "fraught," not "frought." This is why I don't blog.

Miriam Goes Blogging

A1) Little known fact about me: I have never written on a blog. Ever. Fear not, though, Miriam is coming into the space age/Y2K, yet she still remains cautious about this dubious internet thing that's rife with pornography!

B2) Funny story: Our friend, Karen, brought her big Bernese Mountain Dog, Bruce, over for a playdate with our boys today. Obvs, I was more than a little hesitant. I mean, I get upset when strangers with their strange dogs approach the Toodler and I on the street - they could be rabid! How am I to know?! After the first few requisite minutes of sniffing everyone's privates, the boys played fine together. Marley was TERRIFIED of Bruce (all 120 pounds of him), and was completely submissive. Logan played for a good five minutes, then got tired like the old man that he is and gave up. My little man was a goofball! He loved playing with Bruce - even though I stood there the whole time, hands clasped, frought with worry that the dogs would get too agressive and someone would get hurt. (Side note - I just had to get up from the kitchen stool to break up a "rumble in the jungle" in the laundry room. I stood there with my hands on my hips and asked the boys: "Who wants a time-out? Because that's where you're headed right now." Dylan - my dogs can understand full sentences. NBD.) Anyways, our "pack" became fast friends with Bruce. Yay!

C3) Moral of the story: my poor little children will never know what it is to live their lives outside of a massive cocoon of bubble wrap.

A Helpful Product

Dyl, I stumbled across a fabulous product that should help alleviate all your chafing fears. Thought you would all appreciate this:

Thursday, July 23, 2009

omg, I'm contributing to the blog

This should buy me at least of week of getting to tell Dylan to lay off me. Also, Dylan, I'm sure your shirt is lovely and your co-worker is just jealous that he no longer gets to pick out his own clothes.

In honor of Erika's upcoming wedding, and the fact that she is wearing white and clearly a virgin, I thought we could conduct a poll of Erika's (O)face when she finally consummates her marriage. Options below!






Addendum to previous post

In a meeting yesterday with the business unit head (very senior guy), this same client who noticed my shirt casually dropped an N-Bomb. Yes, you read that right. Unsure whether to make a disapproving face, say something, say nothing, or insincerely corporate chuckle, I chose the least logical option:

I fake coughed, leading to a real cough, which shifted the awkwardness back to me. Nice choice.

Also, Erika's O-Face is clearly #2.

On a Magic CTA Ride

So I wanted to tell a tale of my magical bus ride this morning.
After taking the blue line to Grand I got off and waited 5 min (according to CTA bus tracker) for my route 33 Magnificent Mile Express to pick me up. As I entered, I saw the usual crowd- An overweight blonde in her late 30s who insists on wearing a scrunch and jean shorts on a consistent basis talking across the isle to her friend,  a female replica of Ozzy Osbourne decked in all black, tons of silver rings, and oh yes... those round sunglasses (  Not to mention the woman who looks like a pelican with a beak for a nose and her outfits that are way too young for her age complimented by her hot pink bra strap that is always peaking out the top- not that I pay attention to anyone on the bus. So The bus was a normal ride, until the woman bus driver, who I was convinced for half of the ride that she was a he, yelled to the guy in the back when he pulled the cord "you sure you want to get off here?" to which he responded, "yes, that is why I pulled the cord." I found that to be a bit odd, but disregarded it until.....
We were sitting at the red light on Ohio and Michigan, in complete silence when 
was shouted as the bus shook a little. 
Apparently our bus driver saw someone in a car that she was not to pleased about she started to shift around in her seat, forgetting her place, and then snapped back into reality. I thought she was going to bust through the small window next to her, but instead apologized and continued on her route. It was both terrifying and hilarious at the same time....
wish you guys were there to witness. 

Also, I will leave you with this if you (Dylan, the only person who goes on this but me). I was watching So You Think You Can Dance last night with the girls and saw the 2 best performances I have ever seen. The first one is a KICK ASS dance choreographed by Laurie Ann Gibson the chick from P-Diddy's Making the Band and the second is about a woman who has breast cancer. It is absolutely beautiful and made everyone in the audience and the judges (including Ellen tear up) 

"You're smart to do your laundry on Saturday night when everyone else is out..."

In the tradition of my high school tennis coach (a douche who I will never forgive), I received a "comment" from one of my clients today that could be interpreted as either a compliment or an insult (more likely the latter):

Today I wore a new shirt to work and he noticed. He started by saying something to the effect of: "I didn't get the memo that it was 'Wear a Nice New Shirt to Work Day,'" which seems positive. Then we were talking about how I, as a single guy, care more about what I look like than he does as a married man. He then says: "My wife would never let me out of the house wearing that shit."

Does this mean that she would worry that it would attract too many women, or that she has better taste than a man and my shirt is ugly. I hope the former, fear the latter.

On another note, which of the following is most shameful:

A.) My mom is bringing her own bottle of Grey Goose to the all-inclusive resort in Jamaica so that she doesn't have to drink their "crap liquor."

B.) I am planning a visit to Tamarak Day Camp next week and I just emailed the camp director to see which day was Hot Dog Day so I could plan around it.

C.) With Erika's upcoming wedding, the Kolb family name officially dies.

D.) Only Lauren and I write on this blog.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I'm petrified of nipple chafing...once it starts, it is a vicious circle...

Sup pimps and hos,

Not too much to share, but I figured I'd update the blog so that it doesn't die faster than personal privacy at a Hausman family Thanksgiving.

This morning, I went to get breakfast from my client's cafeteria and, as I was checking out, the cashier told me that I reminded her of her friend from home. I asked her where home was. Her reply: "Colombia." Looks like my summertime transformation into my alter-ego has begun:

Also, I ran my longest distance ever yesterday after work, a cool eight miles (not quite as much as Freaq Nast, but not half bad either). But when it was all over, although I didn't experience nipple chafing, they were kinda sore. I guess the combination of cold sweat, long distance, and the memories evoked by the "Prom '04" shirt I was wearing brought pain to my chest.

So Andy Bernard, Cornell grad, I feel your pain.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Ughhhh I can't look, the government blocks everythingggggg. I'll look when I get home.

Things I'm doing until Erika's wedding:

1. SEEING HARRY POTTER TONIGHT AHHHHHHHH - has anyone seen it yet?
2. All five of my college roomies are coming to DC next weekend...aka NU madness
3. Trying not to puke in any kitchens.

"Genetically Mutated Rat Monster"

After being inspired by Dylan's latest post, I decided to put my favorite prank EVER out for you guys to watch. It is on youtube, so if you can't watch it at work, look at it later! Brad you will recognize this (that is even if you are reading these).

16 days till Erika's wedding.... what are you peeps doing before the wedding?

Meow mix,

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

In vino veritas

As I toil away at work, doing what I can to stop pregnancy before it starts, I thought I'd post one of the funniest articles I have ever read. I'm sure I've shared this with many of you, but in light of my recent cougar-esque obsession with drinking white wine and pretending it's high-class, I present you this:

Also, I went out with my team last night to dinner at Morimoto in NYC (pretty dece, but nothing to write home about). We almost went to a restaurant called "La Esquina" where, according to reliable sources, Jay-Z, Beyonce, and the guy who plays Chuck Bass on Gossip Girl were all spotted dining last night. Instead of seeing these immensely popular celebrities, I got to see Constantine Maroulis, the 5th place finisher on Season 4 of American Idol and a supreme douche-tard. FML.

In case you don't believe that Constantine is a douche-tard, please view his Wikipedia picture:

Love hurts, part 2

I know I just posted, but I forgot to mention that Adam Waite (my former tennis partner) is engaged. He joins Meghan Tellone and our dear friend Erika Kolb in placing their toes on the edge of the cliff above the icy cold depths of lifelong monogamy. Enjoy!

Sweet New Dance Club

So last night I went out with the girls to this new bar. It is called the Snake Charmer and I really liked it. They had great music and there were lots of people there. The best part of the whole night was this live performance that we had front row for! I was able to tape it and posted it. 
Wanted to share.....


Love hurts

First of all, mad props to Lauren for getting this blog started. I look forward to my contributions following the trajectory of all other blogs: really frequent in the beginning, getting more sporadic after a couple of weeks, and finally petering off after a few months when I realize that no one really cares about what I have to say. But I digress...

Yesterday at work, I was (in a not-too-shocking development) cruising the interwebs rather than legitimately earning my salary. Maybe I was just thinking about how much I love "Law and Order: SVU," or maybe I was thinking about how horny and hypocritical Republicans are (see: Foley, Mark), but I decided to pass the time by looking up "sex scandals" on Wikipedia.

Through my extensive reading, I came away with two things:

1.) I understand why some people stay virgins until marriage. This peen-in-vagine stuff makes people do some crazy things.

2.) This one is so freaky, I read it twice. I insist you do the same:

Looking forward to Megan taking a break from "kissing" Rudy, Marissa taking a break from "touching" lesbians, Brad taking a break from "making" movies, Sophie taking a break from "reading" Twilight, Jackie taking a break from "riding" horses, and Erika taking a break from literally vomiting all over bar kitchens to contribute to the blog.

On an unrelated note, I suggested that Lauren formally change the name of Mr. Bigglesworth to Kitty Bitchtitz Stankbreath Scheuer. Thoughts?

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Welcome to our Blog

Hello Friends,
So as I am sure you can tell, I am really bored at work today. My friend Claire told me that her and her friends from HS made a blog where they randomly add funny stories and updates. So I decided, in my state of boredom that I will create one for us. It is an easy address so no one will forget! We don’t have to update it everyday, but when you think of it put something on that will keep us entertained during the busy work day.

Freaq Nast

Ps-18 Days till Erika’s WEDDING!!!!!