Friday, December 11, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
I would be hard-pressed to come up with three musical acts I am less interested in seeing. Furthermore, how are they only allowing me to meet one of the Jonas Brothers...would I get in trouble if I attempted to say hello to the other two?
I am honestly considering canceling this credit card out of spite.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
A Message to the Yale Community:
I write to inform you that five rhesus monkeys escaped from the
neurochemical research laboratory of the Child Study Center (230 South
Frontage Road) at 5:07am on Thursday, December 3, 2009. All members of the
Yale community are urged to exercise caution in their movements about campus
until the animals are recaptured. If you or anyone you know comes into
contact with one of the monkeys, seek medical attention immediately. The
animals are infected with the Motaba virus, a hemorrhagic fever native to
central Africa; Yale-New Haven Hospital staff is ready to administer the
E-1101 serum, but it must be administered within several hours of infection.
Subjects escaped on S. Frontage towards Central Campus and were last seen
near George and Church. If you have any information regarding this case or
should witness suspicious activity, please report it immediately to the Yale
Police at 203-432-1374.
James A. Perrotti
Chief of Police
Monday, November 16, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Very appropriate in light of Megan's upcoming Halloween dinner party:
GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS.
BY COLIN NISSAN
- - - -
I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I'm about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it's gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There's a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.
I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I'm going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, "Aren't those gourds straining your neck?" And I'm just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, "It's fall, fuckfaces. You're either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you're not."
Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing a all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Different Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn't it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they're both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that's upsetting, but I'm not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.
The next thing I'm going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I'm going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it's not summer, it's not winter, and it's not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it's fall, fuckers.
Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you're going to fucking love my house. Just look where you're walking or you'll get KO'd by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you're going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.
For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.
Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!
These security badges are pretty standard, just a thick plastic card with a picture on it. So the guy took my picture today and made me a badge and I was thinking that my picture was pretty decent...certainly not Chicago Sun-Times-level awful.
After returning to my team room, one of my colleagues asked to see my picture. A little background on him: he is probably in his mid-30s, married with a baby daughter, and just about the least offensive person you could ever meet. His very religion is based upon doing as little harm to the world as possible: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jainism
He looks at my picture and exclaims, "This is a really good shot of you!" After thanking him, he says, "No, really, you look so much healthier here."
Apparently, I generally look like some sort of sickly mess. Great.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Seriously, it was as though my pockets were stuffed with catnip. My personal favorite was Wendy Kaplan...immediately from her name, I could tell she was about 40 years old and a Member of the Tribe, which was great. Turns out, she was a divorcee, a New Jersey resident, and in medical device sales, so we clearly had a lot in common. Most importantly, she was amazing at wrangling free drinks at the blackjack table from this one waitress who looked like a husky Anna Kournikova. It was awesome.
Already very excited for Friendsgiving - will this be the seventh year in the Ronks' dining room? Not gonna lie, it's a pretty great tradition.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Today, I pondered the following:
Why is it that we, as a society, call pooping "going number 2?" In terms of health importance and physical significance, I really think pooping is number 1. Also, no one ever says that they are "going number 1," so what's the point of skipping to number 2? Perhaps it's because "dropping a deuce" sounds more thunderous and alliterative than "dropping an uno." But, if this is the major concern, then I suggest calling it "unleashing an uno."
I'm just saying.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
After a successful beta run, the Stuff White People Like Facebook application is now live.
Though the book contains the definitive and authoritative quiz to determine whiteness, this Facebook application contains an all new set of questions and the ability to see the whitest users and networks on the popular social networking site.
Currently, the whitest networks on Facebook are:
|1.||Mayo Clinic College of Medicine|
|6.||Stevenson High School|
|7.||Bridgeport / Stamford, CT|
|10.||Oklahoma City, OK|
|14.||Grandview Heights High School|
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
The blond is my friend Jess (Dyl - she went to Yale '07)
Tommy was on campus talking to an Entertainment Law class. Survey says: he cannot give a straightforward answer (ie: "What's your favorite movie?" yielded 918039180932 responses from him.)
He's so not invited to my celebrity dinner party.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
1. Tina Fey (to be my BFF)
2. Michelle Obama (we will bond over politics and cardigans)
3. Jason Bateman (to marry me)
4. Brett Favre (to punch in the face)
5. Eric Ripert (to cook)
6. Oprah (to bring all of her favorite things)
7. Dave Eggers (to be my literary dork-friend)
8. Natalie Portman (just to look at. In the alternative, Reese Witherspoon, or Emma Watson)
9. Beyonce (because she made the best video, of all time)
10. Stephen Colbert (NU alum, woot.)
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Now In my post Chipotle state, I was pleasantly pleased with this spectacle, but was not prepared for what came next. Tyra Mentions to the girls that she will be seeing them next in her “Fortress of Fearce”. I thought this is what they were calling the judging room at the end of the episode...ohhh no. All of a sudden (after a few shitty graphic close ups of tyra’s eyes) the mighty one is standing in the front of a room with 2 platforms in the center. The potential models walk in wearing pink and purple body suits with black flaps that cover their mouth. Two at a time, the models stand on the platform and had a SMIZE-Off... Words can’t describe the ridiculousness of this episode.
If I had any idea I would be taken into this surreal TV reality world, I would have gone to the beach for lunch.
A Tribute to Tyra’s Smize:
For those of you willing to enter this world of Smiles, Eyes, Nakedness and Tyra (yes all at once), feel free to watch the episode in entirety online.
Now the Moment you have all been waiting for:
HOW TO SMIZE
1. stand with your feet shoulder-width apart
2. shoulders down
3. neck long, like there's a string coming out the top of your head
4. hand on your stomach
5. imagine something delicious
(I expect to see these at Friends Thanksgiving)
Das Un She Vulf In Zer Klauset,
The last blog posts have focused on things that are often overheard as discussion topics in the Crafts Department of Bed, Bath, and Beyond: unemployment, pet obsession, technological incompetence and, worst of all, Bonnie Hunt. This must stop...and I have taken it upon myself to lead us out of this Christmas Sweater Wilderness*.
I might suggest that some of you start getting into these amazing TLC Medical Mysteries shows. My personal favorites are the one about the 16-year-old baby and the one about Abigail and Brittany, awesome conjoined twins. Once you see them, they also make hilarious scenarios to act out in drunken pictures. Please check the links below.
Finally, in honor of Rosh Hashanah, I decided to make (Jewish) New Year's Resolutions.
1.) To re-commit to running the Austin half-marathon in January (congrats to Freaq Nast, P.S.)
2.) To re-commit myself to ending my involuntary descent into the priesthood (e.g., when a girl you are kinda crushin' on tells you when you're out at a bar that she has some snacks back at her place, don't ask "what snacks," just go)
3.) To be nicer to Megan about her love for Bonnie Hunt
I guess two outta three ain't bad.
* The term "Christmas Sweater Wilderness," meaning a melancholy, uneventful, distinctly goyishe existence, is a registered copyright of Dylan Stern.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Yes I do read these blog postings. It wasn't till now that I understood how to post, and even now I am not quite sure if this is going to work.
In other, equally important, news, I found this awesome clip on youtube - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIoSTbPt_PI&feature=channel. This kid is going to be on Bonnie Hunt tomorrow! And, yes, I happen to love Bonnie Hunt, thank you very much. I know, I can hear Dylan's demoralizing taunts across the country. Sticks and stones - NBD. Anyways, after watching this, I obviously checked our vid stats on youtube. Not only do we have over 130,000 views (which pretty much makes us rock stars), we also have some pretty jazzy comments. I will copy two for your viewing pleasure:
you shouldnt make a dance vid..
you look much better on a sex vid..lol
What da fuck, I can't curse on this lame ass video.. When did this shit happened.. God-damn fucking mother-fuckers!! Jesus loves you
So, to recap, here are the important takeaways:
1) We should've made a sex tape instead. It's never too late for Boiler Love Makin: Purduin' It All Night Long.
2) We should fuck the haters. Jesus loves us anyway.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Ok, so I know I've done my fair share of hating on Mr. Bigglesworth (sorry Law-ren) and I do still prefer pups, but my roommate Laura just got 2 kittens and I am in love with one of them (Teddy, the runt.) Chloe has yet to grow on me...maybe that will happen but somehow I doubt it. This is why I should never have children aka I have immediately picked a favorite. Anyway this is Teddy. I walked in on him trying to break into my coffee mug...little does he know it's the spillproof kind, muahahaha...
Friday, September 18, 2009
And the view from this office is stunning, and it's this incredibly sunny day. Maybe a little...too...sunny. Because I'm blinking. Like, a lot. An uncomfortable amount..when all of a sudden I feel my contact....sliding down my face as I'm talking about my job at the DOJ...
No big deal, right? Very minor. I'm thinking to myself, KEEP IT TOGETHER MARISSA....
...and the interviewer, this lovely partner, interrupts me to ask me IF I'M CRYING DURING THE INTERVIEW. She thought the contact was a tear. So then I had to admit that no, that's just my contact, and then she made me go to the bathroom, and wash out my eye, and then the interview was over.
In sum: Fmyunemployedlife.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Interviews started Monday and of course I'm freaking out, pure nerves, praying my first interview is a great confidence booster so that I can calm the F down for the remaining 21. Instead, I had the interview from hell, with certain choice excerpts outlined below.
INTERVIEWER: So, can you tell me a little bit about why July 2008 is unaccounted for on your resume?
Me: Oh, um, hi, nice to meet you. July 2008 was the month before law school started - I was just kind of traveling and preparing for law school, since my job ended in June.
Interviewer: Interesting. So you didn't really do much. So I see you've lived in both Madrid and Prague - which would you rather return to?
Me: Well, I really loved Madrid, the culture, yada yada, plus I speak Spanish so for practical reasons that would make more sense.
Interviewer: Oh. So you couldn't live in a country where you didn't speak the language? (writing in his notebook "DOESN'T ADAPT WELL")
Me: Oh, no! I didn't say that...I meant...
Interviewer: (cuts me off) So if you could reform one aspect of immigration, what would it be?
Me: Um...(start giving my answer)
Interviewer: That makes no sense.
It was, to say the least, an uphill battle and I will NOT be getting a callback. Hope all your lives are going better than my first interview, haha.
Friday, August 21, 2009
2.) I was at my client getting coffee yesterday morning from the Starbucks counter. As I walked up, this woman who I often see there (probably 50ish; looks a little like a poor man's Andee Hausman) was hugging Lucy, the nice Colombian woman who works there. When I walked up, I asked why they were hugging, and the older woman told me that she had fallen down the stairs earlier that morning and just needed a pick-me-up. I said that everyone could use a hug now and again. This woman then paused, looked at me, and asked if I wanted a hug.
I said sure.
So there I was, hugging this woman whose name I don't even know, at 8:30am in the client cafeteria. I am 60% sure we had a moment.
I hope that doesn't constitute an inappropriate client relationship.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
So Today one of the guys at work claimed to be an "internet sensation" to which I vomed in my mouth and said you ain't no "M'N F-in SNYYYPERS",
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Now that contributions to the blog are less frequent than days in which Lauren neither vomits nor cries, I thought it time to give the Parking Lot Street Mix a little love.
Inspired by a certain Brown family dinner tradition, I have decided to list three things that happened to me today (although not necessarily ones for which I am grateful). In fact, these three things would best be classified as "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly":
Good: I was gchatting today with a friend of mine when I felt the need to quote the following verse from the classic song, "U + Me = Us (Calculus)":
I'm losing my hair,
And my vision is shady,
Last night I dreamt,
Of an overweight lady
But I need a young thang,
To keep up with my pace,
To hold me in her arms,
And take me straight to second base...
Seizing on the last line, my friend informed me that I love second base, referencing a recent MO sesh I had excitedly detailed during which, I believe, I also grazed boob. This inspired the following t-shirt idea, which I think is pretty slammin:
Bad: Today I ordered a pretty boring turkey sandwich from Lydia* in the cafeteria, a real sweetheart who also manages to make Kitty Bitchtitz Stankbreath Scheuer look like a Crest commercial. I wasn't really paying attention and, when I received my sandwich, it was slathered in mayo (not ordered), falling apart (top half of the bread was literally off the sandwich), and drenched in pickle juice (which I assume she had accidentally dripped).
I wasn't please and I thought about saying something to the effect of "NOBODY FUCKS UP SOPHIE SHAY'S SANDWICH!" But since there was a long line behind me and I am not Sophie Shay, I said nothing.
Ugly: I went to the bathroom at work today and, in a fascinating development, I pooped in almost exact synchronicity with the man in the stall next to me. It was both amazing and disgusting, like the basement magic show of a talented yet pimply 14-year-old.
Hallelujah, holla back.
* Names changed to protect the innocent.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
So this Friday I went to an industry party at our competitions headquarters. Every year they have a special guest, this is who came this year...It was video taped by someone at the restaurant across the street. Tyler, the roomies and myself were in the middle of the crowd.
Here is an article about it too... you can see the top of tyler's head/eyes in the center bottom of the pic holding an ipod.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
1. Long Grove is clearly turning in to the ghetto
2. The hoodlums spray-painted a penis, which is sort of funny. Funnier is that my mom didn't tell me. Brad Factor told me the penis part. Oh, Anna.
Anyway - weird!!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
B2) Funny story: Our friend, Karen, brought her big Bernese Mountain Dog, Bruce, over for a playdate with our boys today. Obvs, I was more than a little hesitant. I mean, I get upset when strangers with their strange dogs approach the Toodler and I on the street - they could be rabid! How am I to know?! After the first few requisite minutes of sniffing everyone's privates, the boys played fine together. Marley was TERRIFIED of Bruce (all 120 pounds of him), and was completely submissive. Logan played for a good five minutes, then got tired like the old man that he is and gave up. My little man was a goofball! He loved playing with Bruce - even though I stood there the whole time, hands clasped, frought with worry that the dogs would get too agressive and someone would get hurt. (Side note - I just had to get up from the kitchen stool to break up a "rumble in the jungle" in the laundry room. I stood there with my hands on my hips and asked the boys: "Who wants a time-out? Because that's where you're headed right now." Dylan - my dogs can understand full sentences. NBD.) Anyways, our "pack" became fast friends with Bruce. Yay!
C3) Moral of the story: my poor little children will never know what it is to live their lives outside of a massive cocoon of bubble wrap.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
In honor of Erika's upcoming wedding, and the fact that she is wearing white and clearly a virgin, I thought we could conduct a poll of Erika's (O)face when she finally consummates her marriage. Options below!
I fake coughed, leading to a real cough, which shifted the awkwardness back to me. Nice choice.
Also, Erika's O-Face is clearly #2.
Today I wore a new shirt to work and he noticed. He started by saying something to the effect of: "I didn't get the memo that it was 'Wear a Nice New Shirt to Work Day,'" which seems positive. Then we were talking about how I, as a single guy, care more about what I look like than he does as a married man. He then says: "My wife would never let me out of the house wearing that shit."
Does this mean that she would worry that it would attract too many women, or that she has better taste than a man and my shirt is ugly. I hope the former, fear the latter.
On another note, which of the following is most shameful:
A.) My mom is bringing her own bottle of Grey Goose to the all-inclusive resort in Jamaica so that she doesn't have to drink their "crap liquor."
B.) I am planning a visit to Tamarak Day Camp next week and I just emailed the camp director to see which day was Hot Dog Day so I could plan around it.
C.) With Erika's upcoming wedding, the Kolb family name officially dies.
D.) Only Lauren and I write on this blog.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Not too much to share, but I figured I'd update the blog so that it doesn't die faster than personal privacy at a Hausman family Thanksgiving.
This morning, I went to get breakfast from my client's cafeteria and, as I was checking out, the cashier told me that I reminded her of her friend from home. I asked her where home was. Her reply: "Colombia." Looks like my summertime transformation into my alter-ego has begun:
Also, I ran my longest distance ever yesterday after work, a cool eight miles (not quite as much as Freaq Nast, but not half bad either). But when it was all over, although I didn't experience nipple chafing, they were kinda sore. I guess the combination of cold sweat, long distance, and the memories evoked by the "Prom '04" shirt I was wearing brought pain to my chest.
So Andy Bernard, Cornell grad, I feel your pain.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Things I'm doing until Erika's wedding:
1. SEEING HARRY POTTER TONIGHT AHHHHHHHH - has anyone seen it yet?
2. All five of my college roomies are coming to DC next weekend...aka NU madness
3. Trying not to puke in any kitchens.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Also, I went out with my team last night to dinner at Morimoto in NYC (pretty dece, but nothing to write home about). We almost went to a restaurant called "La Esquina" where, according to reliable sources, Jay-Z, Beyonce, and the guy who plays Chuck Bass on Gossip Girl were all spotted dining last night. Instead of seeing these immensely popular celebrities, I got to see Constantine Maroulis, the 5th place finisher on Season 4 of American Idol and a supreme douche-tard. FML.
In case you don't believe that Constantine is a douche-tard, please view his Wikipedia picture:
Yesterday at work, I was (in a not-too-shocking development) cruising the interwebs rather than legitimately earning my salary. Maybe I was just thinking about how much I love "Law and Order: SVU," or maybe I was thinking about how horny and hypocritical Republicans are (see: Foley, Mark), but I decided to pass the time by looking up "sex scandals" on Wikipedia.
Through my extensive reading, I came away with two things:
1.) I understand why some people stay virgins until marriage. This peen-in-vagine stuff makes people do some crazy things.
2.) This one is so freaky, I read it twice. I insist you do the same:
Looking forward to Megan taking a break from "kissing" Rudy, Marissa taking a break from "touching" lesbians, Brad taking a break from "making" movies, Sophie taking a break from "reading" Twilight, Jackie taking a break from "riding" horses, and Erika taking a break from literally vomiting all over bar kitchens to contribute to the blog.
On an unrelated note, I suggested that Lauren formally change the name of Mr. Bigglesworth to Kitty Bitchtitz Stankbreath Scheuer. Thoughts?
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
So as I am sure you can tell, I am really bored at work today. My friend Claire told me that her and her friends from HS made a blog where they randomly add funny stories and updates. So I decided, in my state of boredom that I will create one for us. It is an easy address so no one will forget! We don’t have to update it everyday, but when you think of it put something on that will keep us entertained during the busy work day.
Ps-18 Days till Erika’s WEDDING!!!!!