In addition to FML.com, failblog.com, and other fun sites, here is another fun one:

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

...you can only imagine 

Reasons I Will Be Forever Unemployed

So this week at HLS is our "On Campus Interview Program" which means that a bizillion firms come to campus and interview us for jobs next summer, aka your job for real life. Intense.

Interviews started Monday and of course I'm freaking out, pure nerves, praying my first interview is a great confidence booster so that I can calm the F down for the remaining 21. Instead, I had the interview from hell, with certain choice excerpts outlined below.

INTERVIEWER: So, can you tell me a little bit about why July 2008 is unaccounted for on your resume?

Me: Oh, um, hi, nice to meet you. July 2008 was the month before law school started - I was just kind of traveling and preparing for law school, since my job ended in June.

Interviewer: Interesting. So you didn't really do much. So I see you've lived in both Madrid and Prague - which would you rather return to?

Me: Well, I really loved Madrid, the culture, yada yada, plus I speak Spanish so for practical reasons that would make more sense.

Interviewer: Oh. So you couldn't live in a country where you didn't speak the language? (writing in his notebook "DOESN'T ADAPT WELL")

Me: Oh, no! I didn't say that...I meant...

Interviewer: (cuts me off) So if you could reform one aspect of immigration, what would it be?

Me: Um...(start giving my answer)

Interviewer: That makes no sense.



It was, to say the least, an uphill battle and I will NOT be getting a callback. Hope all your lives are going better than my first interview, haha.

Hold me closer, random stranger...

1.) I have a sneaking suspicion that the JC Penney hoodlums were the same folks who slapped a big old dong on the Ronks' deck. As Meegs pointed out, the department store bandits have been described as "sophisticated" and "incredible," two words equally applicable to tattooing the Ronks' home with a phallus.

2.) I was at my client getting coffee yesterday morning from the Starbucks counter. As I walked up, this woman who I often see there (probably 50ish; looks a little like a poor man's Andee Hausman) was hugging Lucy, the nice Colombian woman who works there. When I walked up, I asked why they were hugging, and the older woman told me that she had fallen down the stairs earlier that morning and just needed a pick-me-up. I said that everyone could use a hug now and again. This woman then paused, looked at me, and asked if I wanted a hug.

I said sure.

So there I was, hugging this woman whose name I don't even know, at 8:30am in the client cafeteria. I am 60% sure we had a moment.


I hope that doesn't constitute an inappropriate client relationship.

Foreigners or 2 Shady Hotel Guests... you decide.

Good morning and happy Friday,

As many of you know, I have very vivid dreams and 99.9% of the time, I wake up remembering every single detail. Last night's dream, though was quite humorous. So we all arrived at the Fountaineblue Miami resort (the one that Ty Ty baby and I stayed at). Anyways, we are walking through the crowded lobby when Dylan announces to us all to "go wait over there. I got this" in a cocky tone. So I follow him over to the front desk. He begins talking to the woman in a Swedish accent insisting that since "there is a time difference between Miami and Sweden", all he wants to do is sleep and therefore must have the ocean front room. The only way to have blinds was to have an ocean front room apparently. So the woman went on explaining that those rooms are not open to the public and that we won't be able to use them. Dylan told the woman that since Sweden is to the East, there is a 6 hr. time difference. The woman corrected him in a saucy tone saying it was actually to the West and "No you cannot have a room." I remember thinking to myself, Lauren you just thought Sweden is to the East, when you wake up if Sweden is actually to the East ... you are one smart girl and that woman is a DUMB ASS! Not to mention, I was only off by an hr. in terms of time difference.... not bad girlfriend! I decided to join in on the fun and began talking in a Swedish accent to the older woman behind the desk telling her "I had ze ocean font 'oom before, vhy not now?" In my mind I couldn't believe I fooling this woman by talking with another accent besides Russian (the only one I can actually do). In actuality, I bet it was good old Russian. So besides the fact that that  

the dream ended with me shaving my arm pits in the hotel bathroom b/c they were incredibly hairy .... I think it was an entertaining dream :-)

As a side note, tonight is Grandma's surprise 70th Birthday party. I am expecting tears of joy from Grandma, judgmental eyes from Barb, and excitement vomit from little Tyler.

Where my hoes at,

Lauren 

Hoodlums on the Loose!

Hello all,

Lauren and Dylan's recent posts urged me to attempt this blogging thing yet again...but also, this story is just too damn good. Apparently, thieves have pulled off a big heist, a great success, snatching up a cool million from...J.C. Penney. That's right, folks, go ahead and reread it. The same group of thugs is thought to have completed this feat five times: twice in Louisiana, twice in Texas, and once in Indiana. I say "feat" because it truly is an accomplishment to steal one million dollars' worth of crap from J.C. Penney. Who knew their inventory was even worth that much? A sheriff in Louisiana had the following to say about this incident: "From my viewpoint, it was incredibly sophisticated....Detectives have a surveillance tape of the two men inside, but their faces are covered. They've done an incredible job of concealment." Also important to note: these hoodlums dropped through the roof by a string of rope and spent an hour in the store. Despite this little tidbit, the words "sophisticated" and "incredible" don't exactly come to mind when thinking J.C. Penney. Now, Sears...well, that's a different story.

Walt Disney loves Grandmas

So Today one of the guys at work claimed to be an "internet sensation" to which I vomed in my mouth and said you ain't no "M'N F-in SNYYYPERS",

So I issued a challenge- nay a dance-off to see who was a bigger "internet sensation". Apparently for the past month, this guy at work, Jeff (some of you met him at Tyler's birthday. He was the awkward tall blonde guy lurking in the corner- no Sophie not Frank) has been coloring some of his Grandpa's old film. While sifting through the goods, and with fity-G's on the line, he found some footage of His Grandparents at Disney Land in 1956 (second year it was open) and on a "trip to the burger king". The interesting part is there is footage of his Grandma and Walt Disney-  I know what you are thinking..."We ain't no hoes why is she"... but when you see her spiffy outfit you will know why Disney was drawn to her.  

He posted his video on some website (vimeo) and had a few hits. Then he got a message saying "Jeff, the chicagonow.com reference is on the front page ofdigg.com at the moment, getting lots of attention." ...  He now has 2,000 views. For those of you who have actually continued to read this silly blog post, The picture is above and the link to the video is below: 

http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/fry-cook-on-venus/2009/08/disneyland-1956.html

Either way, we still have 130,265 so in the words of the old country: "Bring it on punk asses you gunna get served"

Dylan: These are better

These two come with his and hers: 

Women:

http://www.customink.com/designs/womens/13833228-2954612/hotlink?cm_ven=hotlink&cm_cat=1&cm_pla=Body_txt&cm_ite=design

Men:

http://www.customink.com/designs/male/13833542-2954612/hotlink?cm_ven=hotlink&cm_cat=2&cm_pla=Body_txt&cm_ite=design

I'm gunna cut you,

Lauren 

2gether is so good, they make The Beatles look like O-Town

So, blog, we meet again.

Now that contributions to the blog are less frequent than days in which Lauren neither vomits nor cries, I thought it time to give the Parking Lot Street Mix a little love.

Inspired by a certain Brown family dinner tradition, I have decided to list three things that happened to me today (although not necessarily ones for which I am grateful). In fact, these three things would best be classified as "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly":

Good: I was gchatting today with a friend of mine when I felt the need to quote the following verse from the classic song, "U + Me = Us (Calculus)":

I'm losing my hair,
And my vision is shady,
Last night I dreamt,
Of an overweight lady

But I need a young thang,
To keep up with my pace,
To hold me in her arms,
And take me straight to second base...

Seizing on the last line, my friend informed me that I love second base, referencing a recent MO sesh I had excitedly detailed during which, I believe, I also grazed boob. This inspired the following t-shirt idea, which I think is pretty slammin:

http://www.customink.com/designs/baseball1/13824383-2844933/hotlink?cm_ven=hotlink&cm_cat=2&cm_pla=Body_txt&cm_ite=design


Bad: Today I ordered a pretty boring turkey sandwich from Lydia* in the cafeteria, a real sweetheart who also manages to make Kitty Bitchtitz Stankbreath Scheuer look like a Crest commercial. I wasn't really paying attention and, when I received my sandwich, it was slathered in mayo (not ordered), falling apart (top half of the bread was literally off the sandwich), and drenched in pickle juice (which I assume she had accidentally dripped).

I wasn't please and I thought about saying something to the effect of "NOBODY FUCKS UP SOPHIE SHAY'S SANDWICH!" But since there was a long line behind me and I am not Sophie Shay, I said nothing.


Ugly: I went to the bathroom at work today and, in a fascinating development, I pooped in almost exact synchronicity with the man in the stall next to me. It was both amazing and disgusting, like the basement magic show of a talented yet pimply 14-year-old.


Hallelujah, holla back.



* Names changed to protect the innocent.

Music Videos-Literal Versions

So I found these funny music videos. They are the real footage, but with the words changed to a literal version. Seriously as I watched these, it made me doubt that someone actually filmed this shiz. Some parts are really funny while others aren't. There are tuns out there... here are a few. 
Enjoy-
Take on Me- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnjYrP5J6rE

I would do anything for love: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTPko-aXvJM

Total Eclips of the heart (gets better at the end)- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA&feature=related

You're beautiful- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOlI5Qiq-9g&feature=related
White Wedding- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmngLUtxwJM&feature=fvw

Happy Tuesday

Rod Blagojevich does Elvis

So this Friday I went to an industry party at our competitions headquarters. Every year they have a special guest, this is who came this year...It was video taped by someone at the restaurant  across the street. Tyler, the roomies and myself were in the middle of the crowd. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbvrS6O2bCU&feature=related

Here is an article about it too... you can see the top of tyler's head/eyes in the center bottom of the pic holding an ipod. 

http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/2009/08/blagojevich-shakes-rattles-rolls-as-party-pro.html 

Fun times...

xoxoxooxoxoxo

The Blanket with Sleeves Strikes Again

Ok so I know that this is my first, and long overdue post to the blog. But in fact, I saw this on a news segment this evening as I was minding my own business, watching tv and eating ice cream...and all I could think was FBL (F*** Bandit's Life).

And yes, it is exactly what it sounds like. Order now and get a recordable dog tag! Seriously, FBL.

https://www.snuggiefordogs.com/flare/next?etag=dogsnuggie

Remember that time the Kolb name just died?

I am now officially praying for unexpected Jan Kolb pregnancy #2.