Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Who I'd Rather Invite to Halloween Dinner

Okay folks, while Marissa's certainly onto a great idea, she clearly failed...miserably. FM(arissa's)L. Here's a far superior guest list:

1) Arnold Schwarzenegger - this requires zero explanation. I will say, though, his puns would add immense delight and levity to the conversation. He's essentially a pure comic genius...essentially.
2) Rosie O'Donnell - even though she's a crazy liberal biatch, I love her dearly. I KNOW that we would be bff's. f.o.r.e.v.e.r. Koosh ball, anyone?
3) Bonnie Hunt - I watch her talk show religiously. She's funny without being mean to anyone! Plus, she loves her dog Charlie. Obvs, we would bond over our obsession with our babies! I mean doggies....
4) Fran Drescher - I adore her on "The Nanny!" She's hilarious and totally had the snazziest outfits for the late 80's/early 90's. Plus, she got to M.O. (psst...make out) with Mr. Sheffield.
5) Shia LaBeouf - I totes magotes have a crush on him. He's my favorite part of "Eagle Eye." He career got off to a great start - his sense of humor really spoke to me as Louis Stevens. I think we'd have an instant connection.
6) Robert Pattinson - I would totally be a fangbanger. I vant 'im to sock my blaahhd. Plus I want to do him.
7) Julie Andrews - She's practically perfect in every way!
8) Beethoven - Gosh, I hope that adorable little menace is still alive! After dessert, I would kidnap him, and Rudy and Beethoven and I would live happily ever after!
9) Peter Billingsley - BEST.MOVIE.EVER! I'm so glad he didn't shoot his eye out!
10) Tori Spelling - It was a toss-up between her and Larry David, but Tori won because I think we would really be bff's (just like Ro and I!) - she loves her puppies, her hubby is a D.I.L.F.

(Sigh) It's okay...I'll just have to settle for you folks instead. But how much better would this Halloween dinner party be?!!

Tales from the other side...

...of the Atlantic, that is.

1) London has a lot of palaces. And is really ridiculously expensive. And the only place that I can go on a search for Henry VIII's old haunts and buy silly Tudors memorabilia and not feel like a total fool. I also got a bit carried away in Oxford and thought I was on a JCrew photo shoot apparently.

Local food highlights: fish and chips, and indian food. The english really aren't known for their food...

2) Paris has a lot of gold. Everything seemed to be gilded in gold leaf. Versailles is gorgeous. Somehow my parents got into a beer chugging contest at the Eiffel Tower bar. Papa Shay won, but Mama Shay was a feisty one!

Local food highlights: escargot, duck pate, and steak tartare... yes, that is entirely cold, rare ground up sirloin. Erika, I think I finally beat you for eating rarer meat.

3) Italy has a lot of churches. Can't say that they didn't all start blending together. Bernini is a sculptural genius. My time at the Vatican was incredible. And I couldn't wait to re-watch Angels and Demons. Chianti wine is yummy.

Local food highlights: Enough pasta and pizza for a lifetime. Food in Tuscany and Bologna is ridiculous. I gained like 10 pounds via carb loading. And Marissa, I'm jealous that your mother is Italian and makes this delicious food.

4) Two quotes from Italian men I met while traveling which stand out amongst the various whistles and typically greasy come-ons...
Man at the Florentine street market: "Miss, beautiful lady, you dropped something back there"
Me: "What? Where?"
Man: "My heart"

Man in St. Mark's Square, Venice (running after me from a bar across the way): "Buona Notte, miss. My name is Giusseppe. Can I give you a kiss?"

Best Dinner Ever

Apatoff and I were recently chatting about the ideal dinner party...aka what ten living celebs would you invite to your dinner party. Mine are below. I want to know yours!

1. Tina Fey (to be my BFF)
2. Michelle Obama (we will bond over politics and cardigans)
3. Jason Bateman (to marry me)
4. Brett Favre (to punch in the face)
5. Eric Ripert (to cook)
6. Oprah (to bring all of her favorite things)
7. Dave Eggers (to be my literary dork-friend)
8. Natalie Portman (just to look at. In the alternative, Reese Witherspoon, or Emma Watson)
9. Beyonce (because she made the best video, of all time)
10. Stephen Colbert (NU alum, woot.)

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Rise of a Hero

So all too often- my reality TV obsession grabs a hold of my little legs and pulls me into the spare room at work to watch episodes during my lunch break. Today I was double teaming the Project runway from last week with last weeks America’s Next Top Model ( There are two monitors so I was able to click b/w the two). The point in I want to take you back to slash the one that turned my world upside down was about 5 min into the ANTM episode called “Fortress of Fearce.” Tyra breaks out of her trench coat into a superhero costume with the word “Smiez” on the back. The visual effects that go along with this “transformation are unreal!”---Click on this link and check out the 3rd video...
Oh yes ladies and gentlemen- Tyra has brought the smile with your eyes to a whole new level. She was “Super Smize”  who took time to teach the world how to “Smize.”  If that wasn’t enough to wet your Tyra whistle- she starts giving each girl an individual analysis of their smize and how to perfect it. She actually gives out the secret to her famous smize with a simple 5 step process she shares with the viewing audience...stay tuned to the end of this blog to see the secret steps.  

Now In my post Chipotle state, I was pleasantly pleased with this spectacle, but was not prepared for what came next. Tyra Mentions to the girls that she will be seeing them next in her “Fortress of Fearce”. I thought this is what they were calling the judging room at the end of the episode...ohhh no. All of a sudden (after a few shitty graphic close ups of tyra’s eyes) the mighty one is standing in the front of a room with 2 platforms in the center. The potential models walk in wearing pink and purple body suits with black flaps that cover their mouth. Two at a time, the models stand on the platform and had a SMIZE-Off... Words can’t describe the ridiculousness of this episode.
I applaud you Tyra for going above and beyond the ridiculous love of yourself and for putting those skinny model bitches in self deprecating situations to make us “bigger girls” sitting on our asses during our lunch break take an extra bite of our – say... birthday cake remix... And smile.

If I had any idea I would be taken into this surreal TV reality world, I would have gone to the beach for lunch.

A Tribute to Tyra’s Smize:

For those of you willing to enter this world of Smiles, Eyes, Nakedness and Tyra (yes all at once), feel free to watch the episode in entirety online.

Now the Moment you have all been waiting for:
stand with your feet shoulder-width apart
2. shoulders down
3. neck long, like there's a string coming out the top of your head
4. hand on your stomach
5. imagine something delicious

(I expect to see these at Friends Thanksgiving)

Das Un She Vulf In Zer Klauset,

Put down the hot glue gun and no one gets hurt

Alright turd burglars,

The last blog posts have focused on things that are often overheard as discussion topics in the Crafts Department of Bed, Bath, and Beyond: unemployment, pet obsession, technological incompetence and, worst of all, Bonnie Hunt. This must stop...and I have taken it upon myself to lead us out of this Christmas Sweater Wilderness*.

I might suggest that some of you start getting into these amazing TLC Medical Mysteries shows. My personal favorites are the one about the 16-year-old baby and the one about Abigail and Brittany, awesome conjoined twins. Once you see them, they also make hilarious scenarios to act out in drunken pictures. Please check the links below.


Finally, in honor of Rosh Hashanah, I decided to make (Jewish) New Year's Resolutions.

1.) To re-commit to running the Austin half-marathon in January (congrats to Freaq Nast, P.S.)
2.) To re-commit myself to ending my involuntary descent into the priesthood (e.g., when a girl you are kinda crushin' on tells you when you're out at a bar that she has some snacks back at her place, don't ask "what snacks," just go)
3.) To be nicer to Megan about her love for Bonnie Hunt

I guess two outta three ain't bad.

* The term "Christmas Sweater Wilderness," meaning a melancholy, uneventful, distinctly goyishe existence, is a registered copyright of Dylan Stern.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

bradley marie, the 13 year old retard, trying to understand this blogging business

Yes I do read these blog postings. It wasn't till now that I understood how to post, and even now I am not quite sure if this is going to work.

Anyways, I agree with Megan, Cats can not be trusted. Thats why I have stopped feeding Kitty Bitchtitz Stankbreath Scheuer while I have been home taking care of Kona and Monte (insert evil laugh here)...Ahahahahahahaha

On another note, Monte locked himself in the bathroom again this week. Not sure how this happened (again). I think Kona probably distracted Monte in the bathroom with something shiny and then locked the door behind him so Kona could have some alone time.

We're Pretty Much a Big Deal

Marissa: It's clear you've crossed to the dark side... a.k.a. a world filled with cat-loving maniacs. I never thought you'd be a cat lady, but I can see it now. While you may find your kittens cute now, wait until they get bored and start scheming behind your back, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce on your face and claw your eyes out, most likely while you're sleeping. Kitty Bitchtitz Stankbreath Scheuer is definitely not above this. No one else has that particular recurring nightmare about felines? Oh, okay, never mind.
In other, equally important, news, I found this awesome clip on youtube - This kid is going to be on Bonnie Hunt tomorrow! And, yes, I happen to love Bonnie Hunt, thank you very much. I know, I can hear Dylan's demoralizing taunts across the country. Sticks and stones - NBD. Anyways, after watching this, I obviously checked our vid stats on youtube. Not only do we have over 130,000 views (which pretty much makes us rock stars), we also have some pretty jazzy comments. I will copy two for your viewing pleasure:

you shouldnt make a dance vid..
you look much better on a sex

What da fuck, I can't curse on this lame ass video.. When did this shit happened.. God-damn fucking mother-fuckers!! Jesus loves you

So, to recap, here are the important takeaways:
1) We should've made a sex tape instead. It's never too late for Boiler Love Makin: Purduin' It All Night Long.
2) We should fuck the haters. Jesus loves us anyway.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Ok, so I know I've done my fair share of hating on Mr. Bigglesworth (sorry Law-ren) and I do still prefer pups, but my roommate Laura just got 2 kittens and I am in love with one of them (Teddy, the runt.) Chloe has yet to grow on me...maybe that will happen but somehow I doubt it. This is why I should never have children aka I have immediately picked a favorite. Anyway this is Teddy. I walked in on him trying to break into my coffee mug...little does he know it's the spillproof kind, muahahaha...

Friday, September 18, 2009

Why I'm Not Allowed to Interview: Part Deux

So, I'm in this gorgeous office this morning. Interviewing with a partner. At a firm where I would really want to work.

And the view from this office is stunning, and it's this incredibly sunny day. Maybe a little...too...sunny. Because I'm blinking. Like, a lot. An uncomfortable amount..when all of a sudden I feel my contact....sliding down my face as I'm talking about my job at the DOJ...

No big deal, right? Very minor. I'm thinking to myself, KEEP IT TOGETHER MARISSA....

...and the interviewer, this lovely partner, interrupts me to ask me IF I'M CRYING DURING THE INTERVIEW. She thought the contact was a tear. So then I had to admit that no, that's just my contact, and then she made me go to the bathroom, and wash out my eye, and then the interview was over.

In sum: Fmyunemployedlife.

Thursday, September 3, 2009



Had to share!!!!!!!!!!!!!